RETURN to Current Updates                RETURN to Archives Page

August 1, 2007 John is still trying valiantly to get that old spark out, but his condition has seriously changed in just the past two days. Yesterday, I had myself convinced that it was the amount of Morphine he had taken, but today he hasn't had any and his mind is still wandering, between naps. He is not in any pain, most of the time. That usually comes up in the wee hours of the morning when he and I face it together, as always. He is barely interested in eating or drinking and really just wants to sleep. For those who haven't already come to see him, his energy is waning quickly and we want you to be prepared for a different John than you have been used to. Not that the wicked wit is altogether gone . . . and he did grab my butt yesterday morning . . . but these moments are fleeting and unpredictable. Emails are welcome, but he isn't always able to track through an entire long message. It all boils down to, "Love you, John," anyway, and he knows it! I think the emails do more for me than him, so please don't stop sending those words of love to him. As soon as a wakeful moment comes, I take advantage of the chance to cheer him with your loving messages. Thank you all!

For some, who are confused about the decision regarding the biologics:  John is too weak to chance it, according to his doctors, and he doesn't have any interest in hurting himself any more with medicine. This drug would have taken a month to begin to work, if it worked at all, and if it didn't work, would have hurt him very badly. The doctors see the cancer progressing too quickly to be caught by drugs at this point. So, it's up to us all to just love our one and only John right out to sea till he disappears over the horizon.

August 2, 2007 As John predicted, he is really not up to continuing the postings here, not even to give me a message for you all. I think he said what he wanted everyone to know about his feelings in his last posting.

August 2nd 10:30 PM My sweetheart is struggling with each breath right now and we are encouraging him to just relax, 'cuz he's on vacation! Those words actually make him smile and relax his breathing.

He got two last visits with fishing buddies, John McCollister and Steve Stone, today and it feels like he's finishing his list here in the topside world. Like one of those pesky sea lions he used to craftily avoid during spring chinook season, he's been diving deep today and after each dive, he's dragged himself up from beneath the heavy waters, whiskers dripping,  to reconnect with this world above that he has loved and savored so well and so long, to look to see that his family and friends are still thriving. But he's staying down longer each time and we think the sea is calling him home.

August 3, 2007 early morning John has spent the past few days, in typical John fashion, resisting pain medication and checking off the last few things on his list of "reasons to stay up." Meeting with the children and me on Saturday to tell us his wishes got a big load off his mind. Our salmon feed, surrounded by many of his closest friends, was a biggie for him, too! The last  visit from fishing buddies who couldn't make it here sooner was the final one he accomplished yesterday. Although there are others he would have loved to see again, I think he finally had to pull in the lines and call it a day. If he waited till everyone came to see him, he'd miss the tide!

For the past several days, he's been, for want of a better description, diving pretty deep and only surfacing to look around at his family and friends, checking (like the alpha male he is) that all is well with us, and then disappearing again for ever longer periods. Last night, after John McCollister and Steve Stone departed, he began to really struggle with breathing. The kids and I made a decision to give him the levels of morphine and Ativan he needs to stay comfortable even though that means we see much less of him. But it is necessary to keep him from the panicky feeling that comes with inability to breathe.

Jeff stayed with John and me in the studio last night and helped me make John comfortable whenever he began to struggle, finally achieving a balance that allows John to rest more consistently. John is one tough old sea lion, as we all know. Although he has made it clear that he is OK with this whole process and accepts that it is his time, there is a primal part of him that simply won’t go down without a fight. And while it tears my heart to see him struggle or be in pain, I can’t help but believe that it’s this very drive to survive against such giant forces that has made him thrive through a childhood that was stacked against him and has kept him with his loved ones through battles with Hodgkin’s Disease, BOOP, and now this. That John has borne all the challenges in his life without bitterness and always looking forward with his infectious optimism is just so "John." It is one of the countless reasons why I have never and will never love another as I love him.

August 3, 2007  At 2:13 PM John quietly passed away.

August 4, 2007 Lynn, Michael, Jeff and I have been planning an opportunity for friends and colleagues to remember and celebrate John's life. Since there are many who might want to come from places far away, we thought it would be best to give some lead time to allow people to plan. Plus, unless folks are planning to weep uncontrollably, which would be John's preference, some might like to say a few words or reminisce about some fun adventure shared with John. Of course, in addition to recognition of John's contributions to saving fish and wildlife in the Northwest, there will be pictures, food, stories, laughter and fun . . . all things Palensky! We are tentatively thinking about mid-September for this gathering. Specific date and time will be announced here, so stay tuned.

August 6, 2007 I find myself wondering if I should continue this diary, aside from announcements about the memorial when we have it arranged. Our love story is certainly not over for me, yet from here on it seems appropriate to confine my grief to the Musings page, if it has a place anywhere.

August 15, 2007 Click here for a glimpse of the barbecue send-off we had for John last Sunday. All the kids and I joined with his many fishing buddies and their families to share memories and tell stories about this wonderful man who changed so many of our lives in great and small ways.

August 17, 2007                                       

August 20, 2007

August 25, 2007 We're back from Buoy 10, our annual family and friend camping and fishing trip at the mouth of the Columbia River. There was a big empty space where John should have been, but we all found strength and loving support from our friends as the inevitable sadness came up for us. Maybe he was there, somewhere, because for the first time in the past several years, the fishing was awesome! Jeff, Michael, Lynn and I enjoyed several incredible fishing days and all of us wish we could have called John to tell him about how well we did (except for the sea-sickness). Everyone took home plenty of coho and Jeff and Lynn pulled in our lone chinook in the final hour of the last day! Click here for some pictures of the fun we had! Keep checking till the page is finished, as it's under construction while our fishing buddies are still sending in their photos!

August 28, 2007