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Feb 1 (or as my watch says, January 32nd): Not too much to report. I'm still feeling fairly decent and the new chemo doesn't seem to be quite as hard on me as the other one - or maybe it's just that I'm not getting nuked at the same time? I am getting the tingling in my fingertips though and perhaps a little more tired than I was a week ago. I go in tomorrow for another chemo infusion so I can expect to go downhill a bit more next week. On the bright side, I felt good enough to spend last evening at Fred and Pat Olney's woofing down some wonderful prime rib, Yorkshire pudding, baked potatoes with all the extras, salad, wine, and one of the best cherry pies I've ever had! I think I ate more last night than in any 2 days since I got sick. This morning, Kathy Ceballos came out to pick up my govt. Palm Pilot so it can be registered or something (I forget). Anyhow we had a great visit and she caught me up on what's happening (and what's not) at the office. I hadn't seen her since early October. Kathy said everyone asks about me and when (if) I am coming back to work? Well, I sure hope to once I get through this round of chemo and have a little recovery time. Although I am quite busy - expanding my life list of birds, reading the paper, doing the crosswords, and picking losing stocks to buy. And don't even get me started on Oprah and Dr. Phil!

Feb 2: Maria and I went in for my chemo today and all systems are still go except my blood levels are coming down as expected. I'm a dash anemic, the whites are down a tad, and my platelets are such that I shouldn't play football without a helmet. However, I'm still feeling fairly good, buoyed by the false sense of well-being I get from the Dexaymethasone (steroid). But it sure messes up my sleep. I went to sleep last night at 11:00 and woke up at 2:15. I laid there, kidding myself, for a couple of hours and then read for a while. Finally drifted off at 5:30 only to be awakened by the alarm at 6:00. I'm still on the high and can't sleep, but will likely crash and burn in awhile. We have a busy weekend coming up with a dinner with the Smith's tomorrow, a morning coffee date at Lava Java Sunday with Olney's, and a Super Bowl party at Rob and Paula's on Sunday. I just hope my energy level and taste stay put through Sunday so I can enjoy the party and entertain the troops. There Will be a bunch of NOAA fishing buddies there and I know they just love for me to regale them with my fishing stories. They hang on my every word, hoping to glean a tip here or there that might put more fish in their boats.

Feb 3: I forgot to mention that I have an appointment on Feb. 15th to have my vocal cords looked at. The nerve to the left one has been captured and paralyzed by the tumor and and that will not change. But they can do some things to improve my voice by forcing all the air through the working vocal cord. The expectation is that there will be a follow up appointment after the 15th to get a shot in the vocal cord which is supposed to improve my voice capability temporarily for 3-4 months. The more permanent fix requires a minor surgery and an overnight stay in the hospital. I think I need to wait until my blood counts get above the "desperate" level before doing that. So, I'm hoping that by the end of February I will be capable of hollering "FISH ON!" with a little more chutzpah than I now can. More to come.

Feb 5: John's been working on updating the website while I ran errands all day. His blood pressure has dropped again with the resulting dizziness when he stands up, plus feeling cold even when it's 100 degrees inside. Also, the new drug causes pains in the trunk area; today it was mostly in one place, deep in his side, whenever he took a deep breath. A nap this afternoon helped and then a hot bath to get his temperature up to snuff! He says it's the first time he's felt really warm in months. As good a sport as he is, he really hates being too tired to do very much. He'll feel better by Thursday or Friday, when the lowest part of this cycle is over . . . just in time for the next round.

We're making the best choices we can, medically, and taking everything one day at a time with a big dose of positive energy and hopefulness on the side. But, ultimately, we are trying to come to grips with the fact that there is so much we cannot control, no matter how much information we find or how much we try to outthink or outrun this thing. Without losing a drop of hope or positive intention, we are learning to accept the unchangeables so we can be free to channel our energy into enjoying life moment by moment, letting go of the moments when impatience or fear grabs us and cherishing the moments we spend surrounded by each other's love and the love of our friends and family.

Feb 7: Nothing new to report. I've been feeling "okay," I guess, except for the tiredness. I get winded sitting up to watch TV. Maria promised me I would start to feel better today, based on her observations from last week's chemo cycle. I hope she's right. I'd like to improve a bit before I go in Friday and get beat up again. I have a few random aches and pains caused by the chemo but nothing I can't deal with. After this Friday's chemo infusion, I get two weeks off! Whee! Then, I start another three-week round of chemo with the last one on March 9th. Probably another PET scan after that to see where we are. Then, who knows?? However, I'm being optimistic and going ahead and planning a salmon and halibut fishing trip, with my friend John McCollister and some other buddies, to Tofino on the west coast of Vancouver Island.

Feb 8: Tomorrow, John gets his last chemo treatment of this cycle. He’s already beginning to feel some of the jitters caused by the steroids prescribed as pre-meds for the chemotherapy. He’s been extremely tired the past several of days, making us both very grateful that he was able to visit with all our friends at Rob and Paula’s Super Bowl Party last weekend. Since that day, his blood pressure has dropped a bit each day, resulting in shortness of breath when he climbs stairs or walks too far. It’s harder than usual for him to speak, but he’s working on getting that fixed. We’re both looking forward a week off from chemo next week, hoping it will give him enough time to recover some energy.

In the meantime, the little birds have been entertaining us both at the bird feeders. We saw our first hummingbird of the year today. The other day, a rooster pheasant hung out awhile in the yard, but ran off when he saw us looking at him. Spring is coming?

Feb 9: I went in for my chemo today and also got a liter of saline while I was there (lube and an oil change). I'd been getting pretty dizzy the last couple of days and my BP was pretty low. It's not the kidney problem this time though - it's just that this chemo can cause low blood pressure. What-ever! My blood levels, especially platelets (blood clotting) and white counts (infection fighting), are down in the fairly low range again so I'm planning on hanging close to home for the next week to avoid all the nasty stuff that's going around and will postpone all whittling, chain saw work, wood splitting, and shaving so as to keep all my remaining blood sequestered in its little vessels. I continue to eat everything I want and can't gain a pound - even lost a bit - but I can't seem to eat as much as I used to. Anyhow, my taste is starting to go south again so the list of foods that I can stomach will get smaller and smaller. A friend of mine, Don Ratliff from Madras and his nephew, are dropping by early tomorrow for some breakfast before they go steelhead fishing on the Lewis River by my Place. The rest of the weekend is R&R for Maria and me.

Feb 11: John had a really good day yesterday. He woke up early, pain-free, and continued to feel good all day. We were on duty to check Jake, Rob & Paula's dog, this weekend, but otherwise had no big plans. I worked some in the studio and we both worked on the updates to our Sand Lake Chalet information binder. It's cool when you get time to catch up on those little things you usually don't have time for.

Today, John woke up feeling a sharp, constant pain in his side. We can't really tell if it's muscular or intestinal or voodoo, but it has hurt steadily throughout the day, in spite of Tylenol. He doesn't want to take anything stronger, at this point. We'll check with the doctor again, if it doesn't go away by tomorrow. In the meantime, John's been in and out of sleep all day. I'm glad he's able to get some rest even though he's hurting.

Feb 13: John's side pain went away long enough for him to sleep Sunday night, thanks to the magic of Vicodin (we assumed), but he awoke with the beginnings of a cold. I had to be in Portland all Monday morning and he slept, trying to kick the germs before they got him. By the time I got home, he was feeling very dizzy and had trouble focusing his eyes. Blood pressure was very low, even while sitting, so we went to the Infusion Center for 2 liters of IV and a chat with Dr. S. Michael and Mo dropped in for a visit and John was noticeably perkier after the IV.

No side pain all day, until he got home yesterday evening. Then, when it hit, it hit hard. We tried Vicodin, but to no avail. He got very little sleep last night and was still in pain when I went to work out. About five minutes before I got back, he said, the pain just quit. So far, so good, since then. All we are dealing with at the moment is cold virus-related queasiness and tiredness. Since he barely slept last night, the freedom to nap at will is a welcome bonus!

Ed & Roxanne Sienkiewicz are bringing by our Fermenting Friends order, so I'll meet them at Exit 14 and let John recoup. I wish I knew what was causing this pain of his. We were warned about muscle or joint pain, but it could be intestinal or even kidney stones, according to John's descriptions. Hard to know what to do and it never hits when he is at the doctor's office. I was all set to call this morning and run it by Dr. S and the thing evaporated! At least I know what to threaten next time! ;-)

Feb 13: P. S. Well, life just keeps getting more interesting all the time. John drifted in and out of sleep all morning and I could barely get him to eat or drink anything. He kept saying he was feeling queasy. Early this afternoon, he started having trouble keeping anything down, liquid or solid, and was feeling sick enough not to fight me when I called the doctor to see if any of this was something to worry about beyond just expected chemo side-effects or the cold virus he's been fighting. Dr. S's nurse told us to come on down for another IV, as it sounded like John was still dehydrated, so off we went at about 3 PM. They gave him two more liters and then Dr. S came by. He was interested in this random pain (which John now confessed was a 7 on a scale of 1-10) and wondered if it was related to the nausea, so he sent us off to the ER to let them try and figure out what was going on, even though John's pain had been gone since this morning.

We got to the ER at 5:30 PM and they did all kinds of tests including a CT scan to see if he had kidney stones. It turns out that he has a biggie, high in his left kidney. Actually, it was a HUGE relief to find out that this is something definite, non-life-threatening, and something they know how to handle. Anyway, they admitted him and tomorrow they'll insert a stint, then somehow blow up the kidney stone and remove the pieces via the stint. The hair on the back of my neck is standing up just thinking about that process, but John figures they'll give him some Demerol or something so he won't care. Right now, the anti-nausea drugs they gave him in his IV are making him sleepy, so maybe he'll catch up on the REM sleep he's missed for the past three days. Leave it to Palensky to have a cold, chemo, and kidney stones all at once! ;-)

Feb. 14 - Happy Valentine's Day!! So what is it with me, hospitals and holidays?? I'm back home now from an overnight stint at the hospital. As Maria said, I had (have) a Boone and Crockett kidney stone. The pain went away - at least for the time being - so I am in good spirits and secure in the knowledge that they sent me home with enough of the "good stuff" to put a rhino into a coma should the pain return. For those of you that have never had the pleasure of a kidney stone (21+% of you over 40 will eventually get to), I will describe it more fully and precisely in the R-rated Dairy Section (or is that Diary Section? Damn chemo head!). Suffice it to say here that it hurts a lot and is relentless for hours and hours. On Monday, I go in for some outpatient surgery. They are going to try to explode the little gem through a process known as Lithotripsy which crushes the stone into smaller ones that are able to pass. How and where they pass, I think you know. Dr. A (the UG doctor) said that because this is a Boone and Crockett stone (my words, not his), he is going to put a "stint" in that will help it to pass less painfully. My buddy Eddy had one a few years ago. He said the trick is to not pass out while you're peeing after they take the stint out and recommended sitting down. But this is the stuff that Diaries, or Dairies are made of, so more on this (excruciating detail) in the other section, if you're interested. Anyhow, It's nice to have something that's fixable for a change and it's great to be home with Maria again. She surprised me with a really nice pair of bird-watching binoculars for VT's day. I might give her a stone??

Feb 15 All joking aside (Well, maybe not all, but then when has anyone known either of us to put ALL joking aside?), it will be great if John can get his voice back and not have to try so hard to speak. That, alone, has been really wearing him out!

Rob & Paula dropped by for a short visit tonight and brought some fun books with quizzes on how well wives or husbands know each other. In spite of the guys' whining, she and I sampled some of the questions for the wives. Scored so close to perfect you couldn't tell the difference. Next time, it'll be the guys' turn, so we probably won't be seeing Paula & Rob for quite some time. . .

John is tired from his trip to Portland today, but happy about the outcome. And when he's happy, I'm happy. Life is good!

Feb 15: I just returned from visiting the Ear, Nose and Throat Doctor in Portland, Dr. T. My son, Michael, took me in and we had a lot of fun watching my vocal cords flop around on the video as the doc examined them with the scope. It was plain to see the problem - namely that one of them is paralyzed and has atrophied a bit. He had me do some "singing" and make various sounds while he watched their performance. He said that the nerve, called the recurrent nerve, is very good about repairing itself, even if completely severed. But, he said, it does so at a rate of about 1mm per day so it takes a year or more normally. The left vocal cord nerve comes from the brain, down into the chest, loops around the heart, and goes back up to the cord, i.e., the name "recurrent" nerve.

Oh, the good news: I go back in next Thursday, assuming I survive the "rock of ages" debacle described below, and he is going to inject collagen into the paralyzed cord to swell it so that it will close off when I speak. He said I will be hoarse for a couple of days, but then my voice should be substantially improved!! It will last about 6 weeks and then I can go in a get a booster shot. There's a more permanent surgical fix which I will consider later after I 'm done with the chemo. Hooray! You don't know how nice it is to think that I will finally be able to speak without getting sued by Walt Disney for imitating --- well, for imitating almost any of his characters. It's been 5 months, you know, since I lost my voice. (Note from Maria: Has it? Five, you say?) Stay tuned for the results - - or maybe I'll just call you. :-O

Feb 18 On Friday, we packed up for a trip to Olympia to see Jeff and Vanessa, but ended up leaving later than planned because John needed a liter of saline to combat the dizziness before we could go. Dr. S had left orders to give him his infusions at a rate of 1 liter per 3 hours, so as not to overload the kidneys and knock that stone loose again. After one liter, we jumped in the car and headed north. Jeff hooked John up with another liter as we enjoyed a movie in his new media room. Razor clams for dinner were delicious, though John couldn't deal with them. You know his taste is REALLY off when he can't eat razors!

On Saturday, we went to see the spec house J&V are building. It's really a nice house! No wonder they've already sold it for full price! The design improvements Jeff and Vanessa made make a big difference in the way the house flows and its aesthetics. By the time we were done touring the house, John was pretty tired, so we headed home.

I could tell his blood pressure was starting to slide, so we planned a trip to the Infusion Center for this morning. He is there now, and will be for most of the day, so I'm using the time to get caught up on laundry and housework. Hopefully, he'll feel a lot better once he gets his blood pressure up. He is so very tired of feeling dizzy and winded whenever he tries to stand or walk. It's wearing him down a bit. Plus, he now has to take some new medication in anticipation of the kidney procedure and its side effects are . . . you guessed it . . . dizziness and weakness combined with vision problems and impaired thinking. Normally, we are content to take things a day at a time, but this week we find ourselves looking forward to next weekend, when all the upcoming kidney stuff should be behind us and maybe he can discontinue the Flomax.

Feb. 19 I picked John up from the Infusion Center at about 3:30 yesterday afternoon. It was cold outside and he couldn't seem to get warm in the car. When we got home, we bundled him up in front of a fire, wrapped in blankets and various heating pads, till he thawed out, but at about 5:30, he was flushed and felt hot to me. He had a fever of 102, so it was off to the ER. He was short of breath and very tired when he tried to walk, a condition that has seemed to worsen slightly each day this week. They checked him for flu and pneumonia (which was John's guess), treated him with Tylenol and an antibiotic and put him on oxygen for awhile. His fever came down to the high 90s, but they decided to admit him anyway. He sent me home at about midnight and by 1:45 AM they finally got him into a room. We were pretty sure that the Lithotripsy was off for today, but the doctors conferred and decided that the fever was probably due to the kidney stone, so they removed it this morning and he's already home, feeling MUCH better! Never a dull moment! :-)

Feb. 20 I'm back! You know, I could really learn to hate holidays. I've observed that I spent Christmas, Valentine's Day, and President's day in the hospital. I hope there are no more holidays for a while. So, Maria has pretty well filled you in, except for one small point. That is that they got me fully admitted into a room about 2:30 a.m. If I were the Head of the ER, someone would have gotten their ass canned that night. I came in a 6:30 p.m. and spent from then until 2:00 a.m. in the ER. The Doc said she was going to admit me at 10:30 p.m. - 3.5 hours later they got around to it. The whole time, I'm lying on an uncomfortable gurney in a little out-of-the way room while I hear everyone smoking and joking outside. They have sign that says their goal is to process people from "triage to dispensation" in three hours. I had one stretch of 2 hours without anyone even looking in on me. So I got to sleep at 2:30, they woke me up at 5:00 for blood draws, and got me up again at 7:00 to ship me down for the Lithotripsy to take care of the kidney stone. The kidney stone is gone, I guess (if you want to know more about that process, go to the Diary section), and I'm back home healin' up and hairin' over.

Feb. 21 John and I relaxed yesterday, keeping him near the restroom, where the kidney stone is still coming out in pieces, dying the toilet water pink. He was feeling up to catching up on some computer work and I caught up on some more housework, though I'm still behind. I also took some time to just sit, for a change. Delightful! Last night, John had a fever of 100.8, but we decided Tylenol and some rest at home beats lying around an ER all night where they would have given him - um - Tylenol! (Our instructions have been to call the doc or take him in for anything over 100.5) By the time we went to bed, his temp was down under 100, so we figured we were wise to stick around here. He awoke this morning feeling really exhausted. More tired than he's ever been in his life, according to him. Blood pressure was down when sitting and went lower when he stood up, so we know it's time for another infusion. He has been getting very winded when walking only a few feet this past week. Plus, he's been having a hard time regulating his temperature. He gets hot and flushed, then breaks out in a sweat, then cools off and can't get warm. The doc and I will be chatting about this. John is afraid to tell him anything that might prevent the vocal cord shot tomorrow, so I'll be careful not to jinx that. Hopefully, the temp thing has to do with whatever this virus is that he's been fighting all week. Well, we're off to get the IV, so more later.

Feb. 21 (Late at night) Well, our short little trip took an unexpected turn this afternoon. (Thank Heaven for Rob and Paula Jones, who drove over to let Dandy out for us later!) John needed a wheelchair to go up to Infusion for his IV and, while he waited downstairs, I took the opportunity to alert the nurses that he has been deeply exhausted and increasingly short of breath over the past week. He is still breaking out in "fever spikes" in the evenings and generally feeling (in his words) like he was going downhill. He was not happy with me for "ratting him out," because he really wanted to go in for that vocal cord fix tomorrow. Unfortunately, that's not to be for the moment.

Luckily, Dr. S had a bit of flex time in his schedule, so he came over to see a very pale John several times during our visit to the Infusion Center. He had not seen John since this time last week and had not been aware of the shortness of breath. We all imagined the fevers to be related to the kidney stone or the cold virus John's been fighting. Turns out, after about seventeen more blood tests, the 10th chest x-ray this week, and finally a contrast CT scan, he has "subtle multi-lobular processes blooming in both lungs." That means the beginnings of pneumonia, which, you may remember, was John's own diagnosis the last time we were at the ER on Sunday night. (It didn't show up on the x-rays, so the ER doc told us then that he didn't have pneumonia.) Anyway, Dr. S convinced John that he needs oxygen and IV antibiotics until he gets over this and that getting a shot in the throat at this moment would perhaps be "nuts" (his word). Ergo, he needed to be in the hospital.

Apparently, the most efficient way to get him admitted was to send us back to the ER, which was a challenge in itself, as John really never wanted to go back there again after 7 1/2 hours on Sunday night. Luckily, it only took 3 hours this time. Since Dr. S sent us over with all the test results and even administered the antibiotic and Tylenol before we went, all the ER folks did was hook him up to oxygen, draw more blood (!) and shuffle papers around till the appropriate ER doc signed the appropriate paper and we could go up to an actual room. On the good side, the ER staff are very kind and caring people. Because John is a cancer patient, he gets a gurney in a little room, as opposed to being parked along the walls around the ER nurses' station.

When we finally got him up to his hospital room, he was ready to sleep, so I finally left about 10:45 PM. We still don't know if the pneumonia is bacterial, viral, or fungal so are not sure about how long it will take for him to be feeling better. In spite of all the recent complications, however, there's always a silver lining: John's color has returned to his cheeks with hydration and oxygen, his cold virus is much improved, and the original tumor between his lungs is MUCH smaller than it was, according to our good Dr. S.

Feb. 22 I just got back from the hospital. John is still feeling pretty punk. Dr. S stopped by this morning and assigned him a goal of getting up and around for a short walk at least three times today. The first was to take a shower and then Michael and I took him for a stroll this afternoon. It took him quite awhile, each time, to recover his breath. He gets an Albuterol treatment every few hours to help open up his lungs and he has to breath into an incentive spirometer every so often, to keep his lungs clear. The Albuterol "pipe" puts out a fine mist which, with some paisley pillows, patchouli oil and Jefferson Airplane music, took us all back to the 70s. John is challenging himself to raise the little ball in the spirometer past 1250, which is very hard for him now. He can manage about five tries before wanting a rest period. During his first hospital visit, back in December, he was able to pop that little ball up to 2500, ten times in a row, without difficulty. I hope the excellent care he is getting from all the nurses on 3-North will help him turn the corner to feeling well enough to be bored and itching to get home. More tomorrow.

Feb. 24 I was too tired to write after I got home last night, but John sends his best to everyone who has been calling or emailing. I print the emails to share with him and they brighten his day. Yesterday, he really hadn't improved yet, but I guess we're still waiting to see when the antibiotics might kick in. Unless it's a viral pneumonia. :-/ He's been bearing with the "hospital headache" he gets every time he has to spend more than a day there and the antibiotic/anti-nausea/pain-relief cocktail they are giving him intravenously just results in confusing reactions. He's faithfully doing his breathing exercises and walking really short distances a few times a day, but is still getting the evening fever spike and is barely eating anything. I'm heading over there now, so more later.

Feb. 25 (Morning) I spent last night (Saturday) at the hospital with John. Friday night, he awoke with the oxygen mask on his face and became alarmed. The nurse went in and sat with him till he was able to calm down, but I will not let him be alone at night again. The kids, Eddy & Julie have all been to visit and he was pretty well covered all day yesterday, though he didn't get any time to rest. They took him for more chest x-rays, drew blood again, and in the evening he had a bronchoscopy. For more details on the medical stuff, see the diary page. His fever keeps returning every time the Tylenol wears off, which raises his heart rate and lowers his % of oxygen saturation. Still, they gave him some Ativan, which helped him sleep and, although he awoke frequently with coughing, once he saw I was there, he was able to slip back to sleep.

As you can tell from this, he is having a very tough time. He is not really improving, yet, because they can’t figure out what kind of infection it is. The one thing that seems to really brighten him up (and keep him from ruminating about the dire possibilities the future may hold) is when I print out an email from one of his buddies and read it to him. He enjoys fishing stories, memories of times spent together with his friends and plans for the future, also just keeping up on the adventures in your lives. Thank you, guys, for sending such hilarious and heartfelt messages to cheer him. Women have been known to lament that men have difficulty expressing themselves verbally or in writing, but I believe John must be personal friends with all the men heretofore located on earth who can and do write from the heart. Your messages touch me and cheer him. And as you know, when he's feeling better, so am I! Bless you all!

Feb. 25 (2:00 PM) John is getting very tired with the oxygen mask, so they are moving him up to the Intensive Care Unit where they can keep a closer eye on him. More later, as I probably won't get back home till tomorrow.

Feb. 26 I arrived at ICU just about the time they were allowing visitors. They had a "Hannibal Lector-esque" breathing mask on John called a BiPAP. It helps him breathe without working so hard, but can make him feel claustrophobic and he cannot talk with it on. He was very creative and to the point with his sign language (think "finger" when the nurse told him he was going to ICU) and illustrations on the clipboard they gave him to write on, but generally in good humor because he could breathe more comfortably. Still, the mask is very tight and panic-inducing when he wakes up with it over his face. It does help keep his oxygen level between 95-100% and his heart rate in the high 80s and 90s (way down from the 115-130 it has been for the past few days).

We all took turns visiting him, two by two, the rest of the crowd watching bits and pieces of the Academy Awards in the waiting room. Jeff and Vanessa are down for the week, staying with Lynn and Phil. Michael came to the hospital, too, and Maureen drove down from Bellingham to be with us. Eddy and Julie brought the boys for a short visit, as well. John was glad to see everyone, though he was very tired and couldn't talk. The doctors do not yet have a diagnosis and a couple of the possibilities are very scary. I guess I was tired from having been awake most of Saturday night, but it hit me kind of hard for awhile there and thank heaven for the kids who all took me under their wings and got me through that rough patch.

Dr. S came to see John later and reassured us that there is nothing to indicate this situation cannot be reversed. He told us of a woman who had been in a very similar condition recently. After several days in ICU, she came out of it. Heck, if she can do it, you just know John can! It is "some kind" of pneumonia, presumably, but the "lung wash" (see yesterday's diary) didn't reveal any kind of germ that would cause it. Still, all the doctors concur that what they see is not what they would expect to see if the cancer had spread, so we are holding onto that thought for dear life!

Rob and Paula checked in on Dandy, leaving me free to stay with John all night so I could hold his hand while he slept, feed him ice chips when he was thirsty, and cool him off when he got feverish. He was so patient and brave throughout, even handling the disappointment that they will not let him eat anything while in ICU. (Good time to get his appetite back!) The ICU nurse was an angel and gave me a pillow and warmed blanket to cuddle with in my chair. John slept hard for long stretches, going back to sleep easily whenever they came to check his vitals or draw blood or give him a respiratory treatment. The two Respiratory Technicians, Ron and Eiyleen (I think that's how she said she spelled it) were wonderful. They patiently tried every arrangement they could to get him enough air while keeping him comfortable. Once Eiyleen heard that John is a scientist, she spent about 20 minutes explaining to him about the machines and what they were trying to do. She said that "if the doctors at SWMC can't figure out what's wrong, nobody can." She graduated from The Evergreen State College in Environmental Science, so he shared that Jeff and Vanessa also graduated from there.

By this morning, John felt like he could stay awake and breathe through his nose for awhile, so Ron changed the "Hannibal Lector" to something a little lighter for day. (That's Ron in the picture.) It only covers John's nose, so he can talk, though softly. When they kicked everyone out from 6:30-8:30 AM (nurses' shift change), I came home to write this and hopefully get some sleep before going back over. Lynn and Jeff are there now and Tom Iverson called to say he's going over later. Maybe this will be the day John makes that turn toward serious improvement.

Feb. 27 (morning) John was doing much better when I returned to the hospital after getting a couple of hours of sleep. He was able to sit up in a chair for about an hour and had visited with Rob Jones and Tom Iverson. Steve Smith was there when I arrived. Apparently, John was also feeling well enough to let the kids beat him at a game of Hearts and they let him eat a couple of meals of solid food!

The ICU charge nurse found out that Rob and Tom weren't really his "brothers" and kind of reprimanded John's nurse for letting so many non-family members in. So, we've been warned: people need to call the ICU before driving over to the hospital and ask if they are allowed to visit. If John should take a turn downward, they will only allow family. On the other hand, there is a rumor floating around that they may "highgrade" him soon and send him back to one of the regular rooms.

The doctors mentioned that his x-rays showed a "marginal improvement" and Dr. S even bade him farewell for the day by saying with a wink, "I've got to go. I have some actual sick people to take care of." That really made John smile. For more details about the treatments and stuff, see the diary page. By the time I got there, he had graduated from nose masks to the little nasal cannula you see most people on oxygen wearing, which leaves his mouth free and is generally far less restrictive than any of the other masks. We were all happy to see that his oxygen levels were staying well into the 90+% range. He was very tired, though, as some of the medication keeps him from sleeping and he'd been visited by so many. He sent me home to sleep, but the nurses knew to call me if he changed his mind or if he needed to go back on an oxygen mask. No call. GREAT news!

Before I left, though, the kids made me a little birthday party with delicious meatloaf for dinner and a to-die-for chocolate cake by Lynn. (The nurses were pretty glad to share the piece we gave them.) John had somehow arranged for me to receive a beautiful bouquet of red roses and sweet/funny cards and gifts from everyone. But by far the best birthday present was John's taking a turn for the better. Funny to turn another year older and feel like I've turned back the clock about ten years when the knot of anxiety in my stomach unraveled! :-) I guess my birthday now qualifies as the 4th holiday in a row that John has spent in the hospital. I like consistency in a husband, but this is ridiculous!

Feb. 27 (Later in the day) After talking with the lung specialist today, I am still encouraged by the marginal improvement made since two days ago. However, because of the steroids he's taking, his immune system is even more compromised than it already was. The big fear is that he'll pick up some other infection while in ICU. Therefore, regretfully, we need to request that the many wonderful friends who have been lining up to visit and lend their support hold on a bit and wait until he's out of ICU. PLEASE put your good wishes into emails and send them to his email address (john@palensky.com), where I will receive them for him, print them, and let him read them at the hospital. Your love and friendship is the net we're working over right now!

Feb. 28 Midnight OK, this was a hard day for me. I was finally there during the daylight hours to talk to the lung doctor, see the films from October through today, and have everything explained to me very clearly. I guess many of you have heard from Lynn that this is the "big fight." I have been trying so very hard to keep John's spirits up that I guess I've been pretty relentless. He and I had a long talk today and, while he's been dedicated to sharing this process with his usual humor and bravado (and I have tried, in his place, these past few days), our little boat is a bit awash at the moment. Where the hell is the Coast Guard when you need them? I have wanted so very much to protect him and I would have taken on any part of this at any time to keep it away from him, but today I had to face the fact that no amount of my love and stubborn will can stop Mother Nature. I just pray now that she lets us have however many moments she can spare and I promise to be grateful for them. Then she owes it to me to protect him where I cannot.

Feb. 28 (Later in the evening) I arrived at the hospital this morning to find John sitting in his chair and looking 1000% better than he looked yesterday. He had already been up for a little while and stayed in the chair for three more hours (plus another hour this evening), which is over twice as long as he was able to yesterday. I had my laptop with me so he could write you all a little note, which I'll include in the diary. Dr. F, the lung specialist, came by and told us that John's lungs sounded clearer. He showed me the films and they were barely better, but the doctor pointed out that they are only a part of the picture; he has to "eyeball" John and see how he looks. Frankly, as cute as John always is, the doctor thought he looked noticeably better today, in spite of the steroid-induced second head. He says that if John continues to look as good or better and continues to be able to sit up for long periods of time (which helps clear his lungs), he can leave ICU in a few days.

After talking with the doc, John decided to take a nap. I fell asleep in the chair beside him and got the best hour and a half sleep I've had in a week, relieved that he was there breathing beside me: heart rate at a nice 86 bpm and blood oxygen at 100%. The other good news is that they cut his oxygen from 100% yesterday to 50% today and he was able to keep his levels up. We have been taking a few pictures the past couple of days (when John was still allowed visitors) because he worries that the web news gets boring without graphics, so I'll put them on their own special page.

After sitting in his chair for dinner and watching the evening news, John and I worked crossword puzzles till they kicked me out at 6:30. He wants to watch Friday Night Lights tonight at 8, so I'll go in later. This is the first day he's shown an interest in watching any favorite tv show.