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May 7, 2007 I spent some time in the garden today, wandering, watering, and pulling weeds whenever I spotted one. We've all noticed, I'm sure, how a weed that wasn't there a second ago just suddenly appears. Or how they seem to know where to hide, among plants with similar leaf structures, so you can't see them at first, or maybe ever, until there's time for their seeds to spread and pop up in all the places you just cleaned out. It could be luck that dictates where a seed will land and take root. Some would say that even a small thing such as that is chosen intentionally by some higher consciousness. So, if I find and pull that weed, was it meant to be? If something grows where it is not intended, is it meant to be or a matter of luck? Or. . .if we are vigilant enough, if we ask the right questions, chose the right doctors, eat the right foods, take the right tests at the right times, can we hope to spot those seeds before they take hold? Is it lucky that one of the original tumor's cells traveled through the currents of John's vascular system and took hold in the fatty tissue in his side instead of his brain or liver or spine? Or could it have been a sign that allowed us to stop something else before it developed? Wanting to believe he'll have more time, wanting us to have more time, wanting it as I've never wanted anything in my life before and fearing every outcome as I've never feared anything, I find believe in nothing and everything.

Five things I'm grateful for today, May 8, 2007

Last Saturday, when John woke up saying, "I feel good today!" and was able to breathe easily all day.   

The grin on John's face when he came home from fishing with Michael and said, "I had a great day today! I didn't think once about my lungs or the cancer."

The example my parents set for me of how to live strong in the face of great unknowns.

Dr. Steinberg and Dr. Bucerzan, who are so very conscientious.

This glorious spring day . . . and the promise of more to come this week.

May 9, 2007 John and I have always been pretty steady with each other. In fact, we joke that we haven't had our first fight yet! We still haven't, but we're on a roller coaster ride in two different cars. Sometimes one is up when the other is down and then it flips the other way. We are both trying so hard to take care of each other that we sometimes fear we're being "too careful." I've bottled up a lot of worry these past months and some of it leaked out this morning, upsetting John, who doesn't like to see me cry. We flailed around for a minute until we regained our balance again, happy, in a strange way, that we had lost it . . . something you can only do when you're taking a risk and trusting that you'll have time to figure it out.

Five things I'm grateful for today, May 14, 2007

The hope that always seems to float up from beneath the heaviness I sometimes awaken with after a night of troubling dreams.

The subtle look of relaxation on John's face this morning, when the pain began to subside.

Our wonderful friends who support us in all we do. When I married John, I also married into an extended family of children and friends who have enriched my life in ways I can't even find words to explain! The phone calls, emails, and visits we enjoy every day keep us both buoyed whether the waves are high or the seas are calmer.

The beautiful haven of creative energy John and friends built for me. In my studio, I lose track of time and trouble. I can't imagine a more wonderful gift and I appreciate it anew each time I enter its space.

The honor of having Anillos chosen for Lake Oswego's People's Choice Award and for the look of pride on John's face when I told him. What a gift to have something really fun to celebrate this morning. Then this evening, the celebration grew with John's thoughtfulness at arranging that surprise gathering for me. What a guy! No wonder I love him so much!

May 20, 2007 John wrote about his "Grand Funk" yesterday, but it was pretty minor compared to what mine would have been under similar circumstances. He worries that he's not "contributing" enough, but what he doesn't realize is that I couldn't go through this without him. I know. I've tried before, in a previous life. John's grace under fire, his commitment to me and to the fight, his sense of humor, and his ability to keep things in perspective all provide the safety net I work over.

Five things I'm grateful for today, May 21, 2007

The irises are blooming! Thank you, Cathy Ceballos, for sharing these with us!

NO doctor appointments today! It's the first weekday in as long as I can remember! :-)

Tomorrow, we get to start attacking the big C again! I'm optimistic that, this time, the chemo will do more harm to the tumors than to John!

I'm so grateful for John's strong body. In spite of all the attacks it's been subjected to, it keeps on repairing itself and keeps him going. His heart is strong, his veins are clear, his lungs and kidneys are tough as nails. They've all been through the ringer in these past three chemo courses and yet they have bounced back every time.

Dandy is, somehow, gaining strength, too!? I think she's even gained some weight. She is eating as often as she can get me to feed her and seems to have more energy. She certainly has more demands!

May 31, 2007 Not much from me these past few days. I guess when we heard we had a couple of weeks off from treatments and doctors' appointments, we kind of went crazy planning fun things to do. We've been working a lot in the garden, I've actually made progress on a piece of sculpture (!), and our social life has been whirling. I'm probably suffering a bit from some new-found allergies, too, because I seem to be really tired all the time. I sleep as if under a lead blanket and (very unusually for me) awaken unrefreshed. Ah, well. It's always something! Still, I have some fun outings planned with friends and an art workshop this weekend. I can hardly believe it's been nearly a week since Paula and I had a girls' fantasy shopping day last Friday! What a lovely day! Sometimes, it's just great to get out and do something you never do. We really enjoyed ourselves! I knew John was safe at home losing money in the poker game, so I could truly relax! ;-)