October 5, 2007 This week has brought cold weather and the marking of the second month since John has been gone. The weather is noticeably colder, the trees which were just blushing in the pictures above are flaming orange now, and the geese are soaring off to warmer places. Even I can see the beauty in this natural cycle and even I can appreciate the richness of the time I shared with John coming full circle at this time of year. I keep thinking I'll miss him less one of these days, but so far . . . not.

I finally picked up a book on grieving that has sat for a month on my nightstand. In it, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross mentioned that "some people" handle their grief by staying busy. Cleaning, organizing, sorting and straightening. Well, I'm not "some people." My grief is my own and, surely, unique. Just because I have finished re-formatting this whole website (and losing all of August's Musings* in the process), re-organizing John's office files, and polishing every square inch of woodwork in the house . . . Admittedly, I've avoided spending "too much" time in the studio. Not sure why. I don't imagine that what will come out could be any more difficult to bear than the random crying that comes up anyway. Maybe it's the expectation that I do some really "good" art . . . that anything less wouldn't due justice to John or this period of my life. Well, August was my month for sleeping long hours and reading, when alone at home. September took care of the paperwork and most of the organizing /cleaning. It's October and time to get off my duff and back to the studio, even if all I do is "show up" on a regular basis. (*Some of the August Musings have been recovered.)

I doubt anyone is still reading these musings, but sometimes it seems like the best place to put down on the page what I can't hold inside. I've told John's story to everyone who would listen and now it's just my story, but this is all part of the process, I guess. Lest I give the impression that all I've been doing is dwelling on grief, the past weeks have also brought laughter and fun times with dear friends. The board of my sculpture group spent a retreat weekend at our beach house in Pacific City and I met a terrific artist and his lovely wife on the way home from that trip. Their home had a better collection of art than any gallery and most museums I've visited and his studio was an inspiration! Last night, I went to the First Thursday opening of the Local 14 Women Artists show at the World Forestry Center. In a couple of weeks, I'm attending the International Sculpture Center Conference in Seattle with some sculptor friends and have another trip to the beach house planned with my friend, Carolyn.  If I stay busy enough, whole parts of days can go by in which it almost seems that John really is just out fishing somewhere. And then there's the woodwork . . .

October 10, 2007 This morning I added another bird to our list of birds seen in (or over) our yard. It was a little house wren, flitting around on my sculpture by the front path, right outside John's office window. It was fun to add the new little bird to John's spreadsheet list of species; she's number 45 on the list. I wish John could have been here to share it with me.

Some would wonder if this rare sighting was a "sign" from him, as I love wrens and had been hoping to see one of these busy little birds ever since I moved into this home. But I know John isn't likely to be sending me any signs. First of all, he's probably too busy fishing. Secondly, he would be afraid it might tempt me to hang on and he was adamant about my moving on with my life. In his mind, that meant falling in love again, etc, but he's not the boss of me (as I regularly reminded him) so I'll move on in my own way.

October 22, 2007 Lynn, Phil and I attended the Water Watch of Oregon Annual Fundraiser Auction on Saturday night. Lynn and I were presented with the first annual John Palensky Conservation Award and a commemorative photo of a beautiful spot on the Deschutes River where Phil has actually fished before. Boy, do I look tired. Seeing more slides of  John with his happy smile was an emotional time for me. Our third date was to the 2003 Water Watch Auction.

This past week was full of activity. Before the Water Watch Auction, I spent several days in Seattle with friends at the International Sculpture Center Conference and came home inspired!. Annie Griffin and I went to the first weekend of the Portland Open Studios tour, but missed part two this weekend, due to over-scheduling on everyone's part. I'm going to the beach house for a couple of days this week, with Carolyn, a friend from teaching days. Then it's the second annual crabbing and clamming blow-out at Cape Disappointment. Hopefully we'll have buckets of sideways rain, like last year, and loads of fun with the Griffins, Stones, Rumseys, Nordlunds, Smiths, Delarms, McCollisters, and Palenskys aboard. Kids, dogs, boats, inclement weather, brandy alexanders . . . what could go wrong?

Gee, looking back over that last paragraph, no wonder I look tired!

October 31, 2007 Happy Halloween! The last part of this month has been very busy! I finally finished a large sculpture yesterday and she is drying. This time I'll give her plenty of time to be bone dry before firing . . . After blowing up four months of work last January, I hope I've learned my lesson. Today I was the guest artist at Lakeridge High School's Artist After Hours program for the advanced placement art students. It was fun and they were a great group of young people. They asked a lot of good questions and the hour flew by! Then, I got home to see that Rob Jones had mowed our lawn for me! What a guy!

Last weekend, our family and friends went camping at Cape Disappointment for the opening of clamming season. Crabs were a bit sparse, but I'm happy to say I thinned out the crab bait stash in my freezer, so it was worth it! The clams were huge and plentiful, though, and the weather was beautiful, capped off each day by a sunset at the clam tide like the one at the top of this page, snapped by Bryan Nordlund. There were kids and dogs, a full moon, a new flag, too much food, music, margaritas, campfires, s'mores and all-around fun! A great time was had by all!  Click here for more pictures.

September Musings have been archived.